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humorous motivational quotes generated randomly from our collections

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   Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will.
 ~quotes about Fate by Jawaharial Nehru

   Bankruptcy stared me in the face, but one thought kept me calm; soon I'd be too poor to need an anti-theft alarm.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Gina Rothfels

   All reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in houses just as big as they can pay for.
 ~saying on Hypocrisy by Logan Pearsall Smith

   I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Hawkeye, M*A*S*H, O.R.

   Credit buying is much like being drunk. The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift.... The hangover comes the day after.
 ~humorous by Joyce Brothers

   To kill time, a committee meeting is the perfect weapon
 ~sayings about humorous by Author Unknown

   The true painter strives to paint what can only be seen through his world.
 ~quotes about Art by André Malraux

   Poetry is the revelation of a feeling that the poet believes to be interior and personal which the reader recognizes as his own.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Salvatore Quasimodo

   Birds fly, fish swim and humans create. This is our nature.
 ~saying on Success by Nisandeh Neta

   I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Winston Churchill

   The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.
 ~humorous by Rabindranath Tagore

   He liked to go from A to B without inventing letters between.
 ~sayings about humorous by John McPhee

   We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.
 ~quotes about Religion by Jonathan Swift, Miscellanies, 1711

   I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Paula Poundstone

   Many people, other than the authors, contribute to the making of a book, from the first person who had the bright idea of alphabetic writing through the inventor of movable type to the lumberjacks who felled the trees that were pulped for its printing. It is not customary to acknowledge the trees themselves, though their commitment is total.
 ~saying on Trees by Forsyth and Rada, Machine Learning

   It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what other men say in whole books - what other men do not say in whole books.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols

   Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures.
 ~humorous by Jessamyn West

   The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.
 ~sayings about humorous by Aristotle

   Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart.
 ~quotes about Love by Kay Knudsen

   Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Mel Brooks

   I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance.
 ~saying on Perspective by Steven Wright

   I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Bill Dana

   I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.
 ~humorous by Terri Guillemets

   Cycling is unique. No other sport lets you go like that - where there's only the bike left to hold you up. If you ran as hard, you'd fall over. Your legs wouldn't support you.
 ~sayings about humorous by Steve Johnson

   A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
 ~quotes about Meetings by Milton Berle

   In jealousy there is more self-love than love.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims, 1665

   The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend
 ~saying on For a Friend by Henry David Thoreau

   Patriots always talk of dying for their country and never of killing for their country.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Bertrand Russell, attributed

   Sometimes it's worse to win a fight than to lose.
 ~humorous by Billie Holiday

   Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
 ~sayings about humorous by Frank Herbert, Dune Chronicles

   A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years.
 ~quotes about Language by Wendell L. Willkie

   For your own sake you should give her a new gown; for variety of dresses rouses desire, and makes an old mistress seem every day a new one.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by William Wycherley

   Practical prayer is harder on the soles of your shoes than on the knees of your trousers.
 ~saying on Prayer by Austin O'Malley

   True love is when you put someone on a pedestal, and they fall - but you are there to catch them.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Author Unknown

   I'm tired of hearing it said that democracy doesn't work. Of course it doesn't work. We are supposed to work it.
 ~humorous by Alexander Woollcott

   Martyrdom has always been a proof of the intensity, never the correctness, of a belief.
 ~sayings about humorous by Arthur Schweitzer, Out of My Life and Thought, 1932

   Listen carefully to first criticisms made of your work. Note just what it is about your work that critics don't like - then cultivate it. That's the only part of your work that's individual and worth keeping.
 ~quotes about Critics by Jean Cocteau

   When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Henri Nouwen

   You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into.
 ~saying on Philosophical by Author Unknown

   Things are never so bad they can't be made worse.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by From the movie The African Queen

   To feel brave and cheerful, act brave and cheerful. Feeling will follow.
 ~humorous by

   I reckon being ill as one of the great pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work till one is better.
 ~sayings about humorous by Samuel Butler, The Way of All Flesh, 1903

   No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.
 ~quotes about Vacations by Elbert Hubbard

   The bicycle, the bicycle surely, should always be the vehicle of novelists and poets.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Christopher Morley

   The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
 ~saying on Women by Author Unknown

   All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Henry Ward Beecher, Proverbs from Plymouth Pulpit, 1887

   Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
 ~humorous by H.L. Mencken

   You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.
 ~sayings about humorous by Frederick Buechner

   Life is like a blanket too short. You pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank it down and shivers meander about your shoulder; but cheerful folks manage to draw their knees up and pass a very comfortable night.
 ~quotes about Life by Marion Howard

   And upsidedown in the earth a dead man walks upon my soles when I walk.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Author Unknown

   Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog wouldn't eat.
 ~saying on Food by Author Unknown

   If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Vincent Van Gogh

   In my age, as in my youth, night brings me many a deep remorse. I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race - never quite sane in the night.
 ~humorous by Mark Twain

   But what minutes! Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and each moment is a day.
 ~sayings about humorous by Benjamin Disraeli

   God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them
 ~quotes about Patriot Day by Author Unknown

   Without love, benevolence becomes egotism
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Martin Luther King Jr.

   Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier
 ~saying on Birthdays by Dan Bennett

   God uses suffering as a whetstone, to make men sharp with
 ~humorous motivational quotes by Henry Ward Beecher

   Nature wants us to enjoy life to the full and die without giving it a second thought; Christianity wants the opposite.
 ~humorous by Sainte-Beuve, Les Cahiers


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