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For human beings, marriage is such an unnatural state. If you want monogamy, it has been said, you should marry a swan. All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast. The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV. Tomorrow is the day when idlers work, and fools reform. My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can. If all the economists were laid end to end, they'd never reach a conclusion. Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change. The brave die never, though they sleep in dust:,Their courage nerves a thousand living men. Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren't even there before. Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain. What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories. There are big ships and small shipsBut the best ship of all is friendship History studies not just facts and institutions, its real subject is the human spirit. Women who feel naked without their lipstick are well over thirty. As I know more of mankind I expect less of them, and am ready now to call a man a good man upon easier terms than I was formerly. The greatest love is a mother's; then a dog's; then a sweetheart's. It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like. May you have warm words on a cool evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. Christmas, children, is not a dateIt is a state of mind One man practicing sportsmanship is far better than a hundred teaching it. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? Never lend books, for no one ever returns them; the only books I have in my library are books that other folks have lent me. The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads. Love is not consolation. It is light. One dog barks at something, and a hundred bark at the bark. Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety. Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. Freedom is the oxygen of the soul The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down. Who can hope to be safe? who sufficiently cautious? Guard himself as he may, every moment's an ambush. Expect an early death - it will keep you busier. First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down. Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours. Why don't you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini? Life is its own journey, presupposes its own change and movement, and one tries to arrest them at one's eternal peril. Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment. At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up. Individual commitment to a group effort -- that is what makes a team work a company work, a society work, a civilization work No one person can possibly combine all the elements supposed to make up what everyone means by friendship When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough. A gentleman is simply a patient wolf. Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 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