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New! Improved! Instant asshole... just add alcohol! I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself. Welcome to Arizona, where summer spends the winter - and hell spends the summer. Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quie At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgment. Because a fellow has failed once or twice or a dozen times, you don't want to set him down as a failure till he's dead or loses his courage. Freedom of the press in Britain is freedom to print such of the proprietor's prejudices as the advertiser's won't object to. Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there. He had the uneasy manner of a man who is not among his own kind, and who has not seen enough of the world to feel that all people are in some sense his own kind. Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame. I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose. Dress it as we may, feather it, daub it with gold, huzza it, and sing swaggering songs about it, what is war, nine times out of ten, but murder in uniform? I believe that one of the great problems for us as individuals is the depression and the tension resulting from existence in a world which is increasingly less pleasing to the eye. If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you're the grandma. Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical. 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Winners never quit and quitters never win Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you History supplies little beyond a list of those who have accommodated themselves with the property of others. We need not destroy the past. It is gone. Only a few things are really important. I recoil with horror at the ferociousness of man. Will nations never devise a more rational umpire of differences than force? Are there no means of coercing injustice more gratifying to our nature than a waste of the blood of thousands and of the labor of millions of our fellow creatures? Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul. The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour. I think that if ever a mortal heard the voice of God it would be in a garden at the cool of the day. Do not plan for ventures before finishing what's at hand. Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go by any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material. It's a good thing I stayed in Cincinnati for four years -- It took me that long to learn how to spell it Don't park in the spaces marked, Reserved for Umpires. Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss. The only thing that has to be finished by next Tuesday is next Monday. The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye. Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. Newspapers: dead trees with information smeared on them. Bread and water can so easily be toast and tea. Freedom is never free Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself. We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin. Belief in God? An afterlife? I believe in rock: this apodictic rock beneath my feet. Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you The Lord's Prayer may be committed to memory quickly, but it is slowly learnt by heart. What we are speaks so loudly it drowns out what we say. The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold. We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink... 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