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funny simpsons quotes generated randomly from our collections

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   He only salutes the flag with one finger.
 ~quotes about America by The Simpsons

   Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Portuguese Proverb

   The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.
 ~saying on Travel by G.K. Chesterton

   Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Author Unknown

   Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
 ~simpsons by Ralph Waldo Emerson

   It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
 ~sayings about simpsons by Author Unknown

   Talking is like playing on the harp; there is as much in laying the hands on the strings to stop their vibration as in twanging them to bring out their music.
 ~quotes about Speaking by Oliver Wendell Holmes

   I don't think you want too much sincerity in society. It would be like an iron girder in a house of cards.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by W. Somerset Maugham

   Love is being stupid together.
 ~saying on Love by Paul Valery

   I will not carry a gun.... I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Hawkeye, M*A*S*H, Officer of the Day

   The amazing thing since so many variables enter into historical judgments, is not that historians disagree but that they agree as often as they do.
 ~simpsons by Louis Gottschalk, Understanding History

   A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie.
 ~sayings about simpsons by Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment

   Lost time is never found again.
 ~quotes about Carpe Diem by Benjamin Franklin

   In theory one is aware that the earth revolves, but in practice one does not perceive it, the ground upon which one treads seems not to move, and one can live undisturbed. So it is with Time in one's life.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Marcel Proust, The Past Recaptured, 1927

   There were two kinds of physicists in Berlin: on the one hand there was Einstein, and on the other all the rest.
 ~saying on Science by Rudolph Ladenburg

   Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Emily Brontë

   Men fight for liberty and win it with hard knocks. Their children, brought up easy, let it slip away again, poor fools. And their grandchildren are once more slaves.
 ~simpsons by D.H. Lawrence, Classical American Literature, 1922

   Beauty is skin deep. A tattoo goes all the way to the bone.
 ~sayings about simpsons by Author Unknown

   Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved.
 ~quotes about Anger by Marcus Antonius

   Children are one third of our population and all of our future.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981

   Without cultural sanction, most or all our religious beliefs and rituals would fall into the domain of mental disturbance.
 ~saying on Religion by John F. Schumaker, Corruption of Reality, Unified Theory of Religion, Hypnosis and Psychotherapy

   Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Author Unknown

   All that we know is nothing, we are merely crammed waste-paper baskets, unless we are in touch with that which laughs at all our knowing.
 ~simpsons by D.H. Lawrence, Peace and War, Pansies, 1929

   The car has become a secular sanctuary for the individual, his shrine to the self, his mobile Walden Pond.
 ~sayings about simpsons by Edward McDonagh

   Keep a thing seven years and it's bound to come in handy.
 ~quotes about Very True by Russian Proverb

   ทำวันนี้ให้ดีที่สุด จะได้ไม่ต้องเสียใจทีหลัง
 ~funny simpsons quotes by

   Few women and fewer men, have enough character and patience to be happy when idle. Happiness is activity. Nature puts her curse on idleness. An idle brain is the devil’s playground.
 ~saying on Happiness by

   The process of writing has something infinite about it. Even though it is interrupted each night, it is one single notation.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Elias Canetti

   When our vices desert us, we flatter ourselves that we are deserting our vices.
 ~simpsons by Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld

   I have woven a parachute out of everything broken.
 ~sayings about simpsons by William Stafford

   If our country is worth dying for in time of war let us resolve that it is truly worth living for in time of peace
 ~quotes about Patriotic by Hamilton Fish

   If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Author Unknown

   If you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG.
 ~saying on Violence by Jack Nicholson

   So our human life but dies down to its root, and still puts forth its green blade to eternity.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Henry David Thoreau, Walden

   Reading - the best state yet to keep absolute loneliness at bay.
 ~simpsons by William Styron

   Michael W. Fox, vice-president of the Humane Society, said that, to call an animal with whom you share your life a 'pet,' is reminiscent of men's magazines where you (a figure of speech, don't take it personally) have the Pet of the Month. It is supposed that the continued use of the word pet to designate dogs or cats threatens to reduce their level of respect to the current status of twentieth century North American women. Now that's radical.
 ~sayings about simpsons by The McGill Red Herring

   There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them work.
 ~quotes about Baseball by Charlie Lau, 1982

   Mathematics is the supreme judge; from its decisions there is no appeal.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Tobias Dantzig

   The goalkeeper is the jewel in the crown and getting at him should be almost impossible. It's the biggest sin in football to make him do any work.
 ~saying on Soccer by George Graham, 1997

   Women are the simple, and poets the superior, artisans of language... the intervention of grammarians is almost always bad.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Rémy de Gourmont

   Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration.
 ~simpsons by Charles Dickens

   The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you're the easiest person to fool.
 ~sayings about simpsons by Richard Feynman

   The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology.
 ~quotes about Integrity by Red Auerbach

   That son of a bitch was able to hole a putt over 60 feet of peanut brittle.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Lloyd Mangrum, about Bobby Locke

   Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
 ~saying on America by Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

   Death, the sable smoke where vanishes the flame.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by George Gordon, Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

   Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter
 ~simpsons by Author Unknown

   The tactical difference between Association Football and Rugby with its varieties seems to be that in the former the ball is the missile, in the latter men are the missiles.
 ~sayings about simpsons by Alfred E. Crawley, The Book of the Ball, 1913

   It is awfully important to know what is and what is not your business
 ~quotes about Business by Gertrude Stein

   Gratitude is the memory of the heart
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Jean Baptiste Massieu, translated from French

   When neither their property nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.
 ~saying on Happiness by Niccolo Machiavelli

   If they want peace, nations should avoid the pin-pricks that precede cannon shots.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte

   A visitor from Mars could easily pick out the civilized nations. They have the best implements of war.
 ~simpsons by Herbert V. Prochnow

   Credit lengthens life; debt shorten its. To live long, avoid debt.
 ~sayings about simpsons by

   Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.
 ~quotes about Luck by R.E. Shay

   Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Author Unknown

   While seeking revenge, dig two graves - one for yourself.
 ~saying on Wise Words by Doug Horton

   If there existed no external means for dimming their consciences, one-half of the men would at once shoot themselves, because to live contrary to one's reason is a most intolerable state, and all men of our time are in such a state.
 ~funny simpsons quotes by Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God Is Within You

   All that proves is that most of the world is too poor to build bowling alleys, golf courses, tennis courts and baseball fields. There's hundreds of millions of poor people out there who still ain't got indoor plumbing, but that don't mean there's something great about an outhouse. Soccer is boring. I've never seen a more boring sport.
 ~simpsons by Mike Royko, 1994


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