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funny joke and quotes generated randomly from our collections

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   In my day, we didn't have self-esteem, we had self-respect, and no more of it than we had earned.
 ~quotes about Self-Respect by Jane Haddam

   God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them
 ~funny joke and quotes by John Aughey

   In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary.
 ~saying on Light by Aaron Rose

   News is history shot on the wing.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Gene Fowler, Skyline

   Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
 ~joke by Oliver Wendell Holmes, The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, 1857

   Resolved, that the women of this nation in 1876, have greater cause for discontent, rebellion and revolution than the men of 1776.
 ~sayings about joke by Susan B. Anthony

   Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
 ~quotes about Music by Berthold Auerbach

   Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Henry Van Dyke

   Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties
 ~saying on Boss Day by Doug Larson

   In science, fact can only mean confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent. I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Stephen J. Gould

   If there is something you must do and you cannot do it, you cannot do anything else.
 ~joke by Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

   The tender friendships one gives up, on parting, leave their bite on the heart, but also a curious feeling of a treasure somewhere buried.
 ~sayings about joke by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Southern Mail, 1929, translated from French by Curtis Cate

   The parents’ life is children copybook. Two parents teach more than 20 teachers.
 ~quotes about Family by

   The poker player learns that sometimes both science and common sense are wrong; that the bumblebee can fly; that, perhaps, one should never trust an expert; that there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of by those with an academic bent.
 ~funny joke and quotes by David Mamet

   Wine is bottled poetry.
 ~saying on Alcohol by Robert Louis Stevenson

   It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Hank Aaron, 1971

   A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
 ~joke by Don Marquis

   What we call progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance.
 ~sayings about joke by Henry Havelock Ellis

   What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.
 ~quotes about Happiness by Colette

   You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Will Rogers, New York Times, 23 December 1929

   To take something from a person and keep it for oneself: that is robbery. To take something from one person and then turn it over to another in exchange for as much money as you can get: that is business. Robbery is so much more stupid, since it is satisfied with a single, frequently dangerous profit; whereas in business it can be doubled without danger.
 ~saying on Business by Octave Mirbeau, Torture Garden, The Mission, Chapter 2

   Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Washington Irving

   Your Business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.
 ~joke by Scott Adams

   The greatest discoveries of science have always been those that forced us to rethink our beliefs about the universe and our place in it.
 ~sayings about joke by Robert L. Park, in The New York Times, 7 December 1999

   Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.
 ~quotes about Golf by Jack Nicklaus, on why he tees his ball high.

   Smoke your pipe and be silent; there's only wind and smoke in the world.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Irish Proverb

   If you make every game a life-and-death thing, you're going to have problems. You'll be dead a lot.
 ~saying on Sports by Dean Smith

   It just wouldn't be a picnic without the ants
 ~funny joke and quotes by Author Unknown

   Let us love winter, for it is the spring of genius.
 ~joke by Pietro Aretino

   People who don't cherish their elderly have forgotten whence they came and whither they go.
 ~sayings about joke by Ramsey Clark

   It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself, but the most inconvenient one, too.
 ~quotes about Self-Discovery by H.W. Shaw

   Hold a baseball in your hand ... Feel the ball, turn it over in your hand; hold it across the seam or the other way, with the seam just to the side of your middle finger. Speculation stirs. You want to get outdoors and throw this spare and sensual object to somebody or, at the very least, watch somebody else throw it. The game has begun
 ~funny joke and quotes by Roger Angell in Five Seasons

   The act of bellringing is symbolic of all proselytizing religions. It implies the pointless interference with the quiet of other people.
 ~saying on Religion by Ezra Pound

   Our enemies’ opinion of us is more accurate then our own.
 ~funny joke and quotes by

   I have a problem with too much money. I can't reinvest it fast enough, and because I reinvest it, more money comes in. Yes, the rich do get richer.
 ~joke by Robert Kiyosaki

   We must love one another or die
 ~sayings about joke by W.H. Auden

   I make presents to the mother but think of the daughter.
 ~quotes about Men by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

   There are joys which long to be ours. God sends ten thousands truths, which come about us like birds seeking inlet; but we are shut up to them, and so they bring us nothing, but sit and sing awhile upon the roof, and then fly away.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Henry Ward Beecher

   Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
 ~saying on Marriage by Stephen Leacock, Literary Lapses, 1910

   Transcend political correctness and strive for human righteousness.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

   I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller.
 ~joke by Steven Wright

   Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
 ~sayings about joke by Woody Allen

   Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly
 ~quotes about Valentine's Day by Rose Franken

   Failure and success seem to have been allotted to men by their stars. But they retain the power of wriggling, of fighting with their star or against it, and in the whole universe the only really interesting movement is this wriggle.
 ~funny joke and quotes by E.M. Forester

   And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
 ~saying on Responsibility by Abraham Lincoln

   Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things.
 ~funny joke and quotes by T.S. Eliot, Tradition and Individual Talent, 1919

   American youth attributes much more importance to arriving at driver's-license age than at voting age
 ~joke by Marshall McLuhan, Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man, 1964

   Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose-unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction
 ~sayings about joke by Robert Frost

   You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
 ~quotes about Age by Author Unknown

   A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That's where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It's having backbone.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Robert Kiyosaki

   Against abortion? Don't have one.
 ~saying on Abortion by Author Unknown

   Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely
 ~funny joke and quotes by M*A*S*H, Hawkeye

   Most bicyclists in New York City obey instinct far more than they obey the traffic laws, which is to say that they run red lights, go the wrong way on one-way streets, violate cross-walks, and terrify innocents, because it just seems easier that way. Cycling in the city, and particularly in midtown, is anarchy without malice.
 ~joke by Author unknown, from New Yorker, Talk of the Town

   Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these
 ~sayings about joke by Ovid

   It is better to emit a scream in the shape of a theory than to be entirely insensible to the jars and incongruities of life and take everything as it comes in a forlorn stupidity.
 ~quotes about Miscellaneous by Robert Louis Stevenson, Crabbed Age and Youth, Virginibus Puerisque, 1881

   A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
 ~funny joke and quotes by Dave Barry, Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn

   Our repugnance to death increases in proportion to our consciousness of having lived in vain.
 ~saying on Carpe Diem by William Hazlitt, On the Love of Life, 1815

   Patriotism knows neither latitude nor longitude. It is not climatic.
 ~funny joke and quotes by E.A. Storrs

   There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem - once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit.
 ~joke by Al Gallagher, 1971


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