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funny drunk quote generated randomly from our collections

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   You can always tell a real friend; when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job
 ~quotes about For a Friend by Laurence J. Peter

   Procrastination is something best put off until tomorrow.
 ~funny drunk quote by Gerald Vaughan

   I bake all the time, but I don't like to eat the cookies when they're done. I just like the dough
 ~saying on Celebrity by Sharon Stone

   Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 ~funny drunk quote by Author unknown, supposedly from a Washington Post reader submission word contest in which readers we

   I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.
 ~drunk by John F. Kennedy

   It has been left to our generation to discover that you can move heaven and earth to save five minutes and then not have the faintest idea what to do with them when you have saved them.
 ~sayings about drunk by C.E.M. Joad

   Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote
 ~quotes about Election Day by George Jean Nathan

   To alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems
 ~funny drunk quote by Homer Simpson

   You can't fall off the floor.
 ~saying on Philosophical by Author Unknown

   There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself
 ~funny drunk quote by John Gregory Brown, Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994

   If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
 ~drunk by Edgar Watson Howe

   How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards? You can subtract it as many times as you want, and it leaves 76 every time.
 ~sayings about drunk by Author Unknown

   If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
 ~quotes about Smiles by Andy Rooney

   Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is
 ~funny drunk quote by Author Unknown

   In Rome you long for the country; in the country - oh inconstant! - you praise the distant city to the stars.
 ~saying on Cities by Horace, Satires

   Time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have retained of them.
 ~funny drunk quote by Marcel Proust

   Bread and butter, devoid of charm in the drawing-room, is ambrosia eating under a tree.
 ~drunk by Elizabeth Russell

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
 ~sayings about drunk by Earl Wilson

   An old racetrack joke reminds you that your program contains all the winners' names. I stare at my typewriter keys with the same thought.
 ~quotes about Writing by Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

   Unfortunately, it is also true that the age's interests often color the past with unhistoric hues.
 ~funny drunk quote by Wendell H. Stephenson

   Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.
 ~saying on Gifts by Jean Anouilh

   Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
 ~funny drunk quote by Ambrose Bierce

   Most people are willing to pay more to be amused than to be educated.
 ~drunk by Robert C. Savage, Life Lessons

   ...a final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works
 ~sayings about drunk by T.E. Kalem

   Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
 ~quotes about Travel by Mark Twain

   Society attacks early, when the individual is helpless.
 ~funny drunk quote by B.F.Skinner

   Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.
 ~saying on Nature by Lao Tzu

   Suppose some mathematical creature from the moon were to reckon up the human body; he would at once see that the essential thing about it was that it was duplicate. A man is two men, he on the right exactly resembling him on the left. Having noted that there was an arm on the right and one on the left, a leg on the right and one on the left, he might go further and still find on each side the same number of fingers, the same number of toes, twin eyes, twin ears, twin nostrils, and even twin lobes of the brain. At last he would take it as a law; and then, where he found a heart on one side, would deduce that there was another heart on the other. And just then, where he most felt he was right, he would be wrong.
 ~funny drunk quote by Gilbert Keith Chesterton, The Paradoxes of Christianity, Orthodoxy

   Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
 ~drunk by Rita Rudner

   Gardening is civil and social, but it wants the vigor and freedom of the forest and the outlaw.
 ~sayings about drunk by Henry David Thoreau

   Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
 ~quotes about Marriage by Helen Rowland

   I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge
 ~funny drunk quote by Paula Poundstone

   O great spirit, never let me find fault with anyone until I have walked two weeks in his moccasins. Any fool can criticize and most fools do. No training needed.
 ~saying on Indian Saying by Indian

   Recognize meat for what it really is: the antibiotic- and pesticide-laden corpse of a tortured animal.
 ~funny drunk quote by Ingrid Newkirk, National Director of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

   The wastebasket is a writer's best friend.
 ~drunk by Isaac Bashevis Singer

   Minorities are the stars of the firmament; majorities, the darkness in which they float.
 ~sayings about drunk by Martin H. Fischer

   The commonest mistake in history is underestimating your opponent; it happens at the poker table all the time.
 ~quotes about Poker by David Shoup

   You take my life when you do take the means whereby I live.
 ~funny drunk quote by William Shakespeare

   God doesn't measure His bounty, but oh how we do!
 ~saying on Humankind by Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

   A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
 ~funny drunk quote by Winston Churchill

   A baseball game is twice as much fun if you're seeing it on the company's time.
 ~drunk by William C. Feather

   It’s impure thoughts that produce the secretions that create passion.
 ~sayings about drunk by

   Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
 ~quotes about Humor by

   I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam
 ~funny drunk quote by 0

   I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves - such an ethical basis I call more proper for a herd of swine. The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty.
 ~saying on Integrity by Albert Einstein, What I Believe, Forum and Century, 1930

   The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you've gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of meaning. Once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words so I can talk with him?
 ~funny drunk quote by Chuang Tzu

   Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
 ~drunk by Rita Rudner

   Friendship is Love, without his wings.
 ~sayings about drunk by Lord Byron, L'Amitié est l'Amour sans Ailes

   Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.
 ~quotes about Dieting by Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

   I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich
 ~funny drunk quote by M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter

   Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
 ~saying on Diplomacy by Daniele Vare

   In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.
 ~funny drunk quote by Robert Greene Ingersoll, The New Testament, Some Reasons Why, 1881

   The happiness which is lacking makes one think even the happiness one has unbearable.
 ~drunk by Joseph Roux

   I hate music, especially when it's played.
 ~sayings about drunk by Jimmy Durante

   Children have more need of models than of critics.
 ~quotes about Parenting by Carolyn Coats, Things Your Dad Always Told You But You Didn't Want to Hear

   I don't rent space to anyone in my head.
 ~funny drunk quote by Anonymous man on Candid Camera, answering Allen Funt's question about why he had not gotten upset

   The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.
 ~saying on Sports by John Madden

   I cannot imagine how the clockwork of the universe can exist without a clockmaker.
 ~funny drunk quote by Voltaire

   If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.
 ~drunk by Haim Ginott


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